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| I know that to the normal eye, it may seem as if I have disappeared. Fear not, for I am still alive and kicking: hormonally-charged 13-year-olds have not eaten me alive. Indeed, I'm up for a big gulp of fresh air during this much-needed Winter Break, before I plunge into teaching again. Sorry if I've been a little inattentive. The first year of teaching is rough, especially when you're a part of a workaholic and idealistic organization like Teach for America. I mean, I teach full time, I do as much planning, prepping, and grading as possible, and I go to school full-time to get my credential. On top of that, I'm trying to balance family, apartment responsibilities, friends, and ministry...not to mention trying to cook, eat, sleep, breathe, balance my checkbook, and do normal things like watching movies. How in the world, you may ask, do I balance it all? I don't know, but when I find out, I'll tell you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not writing this to try to push anyone out of my life. Believe me, I want to be a better friend, sister, and daughter than I have been. I'm just trying to ask you to bear with me for this phase of my life. It's just sort of difficult. But I think I am finally getting some good perspective on life, and have a plan to retreat from hibernation. I don't want to be a workaholic, and I am trying to draw boundaries on my life. Even though I know this is a season of life that may be devoted to teaching, I need to take care of myself, take care of others, and just be a balanced person. I need to balance my extreme pendulum-like tendencies, where I'll completely embrace all of my workaholic "responsibilities" one day and shirk them another in the name of getting some good ol' R&R.
Hmm, I'm being a little vague about what life's like, eh? You want more details? I don't have time right now, but I'll try to sum it up for you: insanely difficult. I often felt like walking away from it all, often felt dejected from failing, often felt hopeless and frustrated. I have since learned to just be faithful and to try my best. That's what I want from my students, and that's what I should expect for myself. It's hard, because I never realized how much of a perfectionist I am, despite being really laid back in some regards. It's really hard for me to see positives; instead, I have a critical eye where I continue to see the negatives. I recognize that that forgets God's grace and His blessings, and doesn't reflect a thankful heart. Also, I have never really failed at anything I've put my mind to, and this feeling is humbling and good for my soul. I've never felt so out of control, and it makes me have to trust God even more. I'm learning lessons that I haven't had the chance to learn in my past, and it's just really helpful in my life.
Doesn't mean it's not hard though. I'm not looking forward to going back to Westwood or going back into the classroom. I think I take it all too seriously and too personally. I take my kids' burdens home with me, and my successes and failures in the classroom become my success or failure in life. I'm learning again not to let my circumstances dictate how I feel, how I act, or how I think. I need to be stronger than that, but honestly, it's pretty darn hard. So, I'm hanging in there. Am I joyful? I think I have been a lot more joyful as of late. My roommates told me they thought I was stressed out all the time and depressed at the beginning of the year. I'm sad that I seemed that way, and don't want anyone to think that I'm not thankful for this opportunity. Please remind me that everything happens for a reason in God's plan.
Well, on to some highlights from Winter Break. Snowmobiling is possibly one of the coolest (and most expensive) things you can do in the snow! I am a much better skiier than snowboarder, even though the latter is far cooler looking. I love my friends, especially when I have food poisoning (or whatever it was). The Nintendo Wii is fun in small portions, but horribly mind-numbing when taken in large doses. Also, my arm is still sore from even thinking about Wii Sports boxing...ow. We started a tradition of meeting at Christmas with my mom's side. Took us long enough for that! Reality television is highly addictive, and it's a great thing that I stay away from the television set in normal life. I'm going to Italy this summer with my brother (and possibly other friends. if you wanna come, better holla at me soon)! I'm WAY excited because traveling is one of my favorite things to do in the world! =) Many of my friends are engaged or married. This is WEIRD! And I'm not even dating anyone right now... :/
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| Hello! First off, I want to apologize for being a lame-o friend to most of you. Life got sucked away from me at Institute, but I don't plan on falling off the face of the planet again. Most of the non-Institute time was with the fam, but there is good news! My brother is recuperating slowly (he's still at home for another week). I can hear his mechanical valve operating from even about five feet away.
Teaching in Watts was life-shattering and humbling. Here's a snapshot...
One students' father has been in jail her whole life. One girl had her baby in eighth grade. Most of my students have been shot at before, and/or have seen people get shot and killed. Last year, a girl got shot and killed in the very quad at the school I was teaching at! It's rare to find a nuclear family, but instead most students just have a mom, and some have only grandmothers or foster parents. Everyone's associated with gangs or want to be.
YET...
When I asked my students what they wanted to be in the future, they'd reply pediatrician, pilot, or you get the picture. But when you ask them about college, few think they will make it there. Even going into tenth grade (and being in my algebra I class), most of my students don't know their multiplication tables. One girl couldn't do 6-4. Even my best students had a lot of trouble with adding and subtracting negatives. How am I supposed to teach them finding the equations of lines or how to multiply binomials with that sort of foundation?
There really is an achievement gap that is wider than I ever realized. To have kids that I truly began to love and care about go through so much that I have never dreamed about was so humbling. Sometimes it hurt so much that I didn't want to love them. I learned that the teacher is the biggest determinant of a students' academic success in any one year. So even though the issue is so complicated, I've realized that what I do can increase their chances in life.
I know that many people think I'm wasting my life doing TFA. For now, I honestly think it is a great investment, no matter how hard it is. Some days when I felt that I couldn't control my second period class, I wanted to give up. Sometimes, when I was so frustrated at TFA and school admin bureaucracy, I wanted to throw the towel in. These were the hardest and longest five weeks of my life, but I can think of no other time in which I have grown so much.
I'd love to share nitty gritty details with any of you anytime. In the meantime, I'm splitting my time between TO and LA. I'll be teaching at 32nd St. in the fall as a math and science teacher for both 7th and 8th grade (I have 5 preps, but I'm trying to change that).
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| no pity. so i thought that 5 hrs of sleep was bad...until i got 2-4 hrs/night on top of the crazy schedule. but they gave us a half day off today. we had masseuses come in and you don't even understand how good that felt! =) haven't had a really great massage since i got into a car accident and got some treatment. my body is weak, and i can't really understand why. i've always needed more sleep than everyone else. why's that? i dunno.
previously each day felt like an eternity. i would think back on the previous days' occurences and feel like those things happened in another lifetime. things are getting better. i am more used to the feeling of failure and humility at my utter inadequacy. i've never sucked at anything so badly before...i've never worked so hard to seemingly no avail before...and i've never had to just suck it up and not get so emotional before.
i'm seeing more how i'm an emotional person. i'm trying to learn how to become "strategic" instead of "emotional." i really wonder if next year will be good. is there really purpose in what i'm doing here, or was this just my own fleshly planning that brought me here? but i can't wonder about my own inadequacy, but rather God's faithfulness.
my second period class is ridiculously insane. it is literally chaos in the classroom. i continue to wonder if it is the class, if it's me, or if it's a combo. i think it's a combo of the two, but i can't help but always blame myself because my advisor tells me that "if it's one or two kids, it's them. but if it's everyone, it's probably you." eeks. is it me? do i really suck at this?
their lives are insane. so humbling. i love them tho. and i want the best for them!
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| 5:30am Wake up and get ready
6am Eat bfast with roommate and friends
6:30 Hop on school buses to South Central LA (Locke High School)
7:15 Track down a key to Rm 327 and prepare for the day
7:50 Switch off between lead teaching high school algebra and attending sessions
1:10 More sessions in small or big groups with TFA ppl
4:30 Hop on the school bus to go back to CSULB
5:30 Eat dinner/errands/lesson plan/vegetate
7-9 Lesson planning clinics and other night sessions
9-? Actual lesson planning for the following day/week
I usually sleep around 12. Wake up and do it all again.
The Teach for America experience has been insane. I've only been
here at Institute for one week, but it already feels like a
lifetime. I work with two guys in a collaborative and we team
teach two classes of algebra. It's been a challenge to work
together, to put everything together in such a short amount of time,
and be excellent. I am sorry if I haven't called or
emailed. I really do love y'all and want to be in your
life. Please e-mail me and tell me how you're doing! =)
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| Congratulations, Bethany and Jim on the birth of your first son, Caleb Timothy Ayres, who is 7 1/2 pounds. I am absolutely ecstatic to be able to be a part of your life as you trust God to shepherd this child. I am so proud and happy and...praise God for new life. I haven't seen Caleb, but I will tomorrow!
The beach is my favorite place in the world. It has been for years now. The sand is soft and shows years of erosion and the beating of the waves. The water is powerful yet calming, vast and deep. The sunsets, the views, the feel of the ocean water and breeze, the smell of the salt air...I never get sick of it! My brother and I spent a couple of hours just hanging out at Zuma, station 6, earlier in the week. Then, Irene took me to the surf and sun; we just hung out, talked, and sang worship songs. We actually had time in Venice, Marina Del Rey, and Santa Monica that day...so lucky! And now, I got to walk down the pier at Marina del Rey with a lot of excited out of state TFA CMs (corps members). They were adorable when they wanted to just "dip their toes in the Pacific" and run down the pier to see the cityscape.
And right now, I have my first rest of the day. It's the second day of Induction, which is the introduction to the LA corps for Teach for America. We're stationed at LMU right now, and I feel as if I'm a college freshman again...except in a luxurious two-bedroom suite/apt, eating nasty dorm food, and going to seminars instead of classes. It's been daunting at first, but I am starting to understand what I've commited to for the next two years. I will fo sho be keeping you updated on what goes down, but I am definitely part of a MOVEMENT for social justice through education. I don't know what the bigger picture is, but I hope to find it.
Also, my brother is having his third open heart surgery on July 5 at UCLA. Please pray for him. Please, please, please pray for him.
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